Sarah- Friday, June 6, 2008

I'm sooo tired in the evening! Have I cried enough about that? Apparently, though, that's the best time to run. I have built up angst and anxiety from the day that I can burn and it fuels me. I really thought tonight was going to be a bust. I left the house and headed down the hill still unsure where I'd go. I headed straight out the main road at the bottom of the hill and just kept running...and running...I don't even know where this road goes...and running. An old man at a bus stop bench said, "I wish I had some of that energy!" Me too, I thought, but the recognition for my efforts felt good. And running. Here's where the mantras start. I have those when I run. I repeat things in my head in between all the other random thoughts.
"How far will I run?" (before I walk) became "Can I run now?" The answer to this is almost always "yes." If I think 'right now' it seems I always have a little left. So I decide not to borrow trouble. I remember my high school running days when I would answer that last question with, "I don't want to." Funny the paradox. Now, in my 30's I say, "I can." These are all my thoughts.
And so I run. And the mantras continue.
"I have this time." "I have this moment."
I'm thinking at this point that I'll cut down to the beach road to make my way back. It will be a smidge farther and more interesting. I don't know how to get there. One of these roads off to the right. Like this one. I take it all the way down the hill and see this:
Damn. Really? I don't want to run back up that hill! I stand there for a moment pondering- the beach is right there! I jog down into the condos at the end of the street wondering if there's any way through and see this:It's a tiny little dirt path through some major overgrowth- I'm totally taking it. I can't run it- too steep, holes all over, uneven, and overgrown. Then I notice there's a rope- to hang on to so I don't go ass over teakettle down the hill!!! I manage to come out into the light and there's the ocean. Amazing. And I run. Along the beach and it's not long before the mantras start again. More "I can run right now." As I continue I need something stronger to keep me going. "I have this moment." "I have this chance." "I deserve this." What? And it felt good to say, "I deserve this." Like it's a reward. Funny that I used to feel like this was penance. The runner's high afterward was always good but the means to that end...well...sucked. I know where I am now. I'm a ways from 'home.' "I can run now." "I'm a mother." That one didn't work- it made me feel tired. "I am Sarah." Wow! That one was awesome! Totally using that again. So I did- all the way home. And proceeded to analyze how cool and strange it was that just saying that sentence could be so empowering. Try it!
Googlemaps says: 4.5 miles!!!!